How to NOT get gooned...and save your parents $100k💰
How to not be that kid who disappears from high school for a year and everyone’s like, where tf is Hayley???
Idk about you guys, but as a long-term patient of therapy, it’s very clear to me that there are HUGE gaps in the mental healthcare system based on the support I need that goes beyond the normal “prescription.”
The mental health landscape is changing. Traditionally, if you’re a teen or young adult struggling with your mental health and you ask your parents for help - and if they have decent insurance - the first step is to go to weekly therapy.
If that alone isn’t working, you add in a psychiatrist and maybe some medication. If that isn’t working, you probably still let things get really bad for a few months (or years), and then you’re next step might be a short-term stay in a psych ward or partial hospitalization program. Maybe you drop all your extracurriculars, try switching schools, or take a leave of absence. If none of the above works, it’s off to long-term, out-of-home treatment in the form of wilderness programs, residential treatment centers, therapeutic boarding schools, transitional living, etc.
Tbh, the gap between weekly therapy and being admitted to an outpatient or inpatient program is less of a gap, and more of a chasm. Are there other things people can try, such as peer support groups? Yes. But most young people don’t know that when you go to an hour of therapy per week, they have to use what they’re learning about themselves in sessions as a jumping-off point to change their behaviors for the other 167 hours that week. Even if they do get that, they have no idea how to apply what they learn to their already unbearable everyday life.
The reality is that most young people start therapy in hopes of solving their problems, not figuring out why their problems exist in the first place.
I get that those two things go hand-in-hand, and many people do eventually need some therapy. But I remember being 14 years old and SO FRUSTRATED with therapy because I was already ashamed I had to go, and yet I would still leave each session thinking, “Why aren’t they telling me what to do differently? I want an actual plan to feel better!!”
💚 For a growing margin of our clients, currently at about 30% of them, that’s where we’ve been able to step in 💚
Parents are finding us much earlier in their child’s journey before they’re at the point of considering treatment. They’re giving their child the option of working with us to get unstuck, reach their goals, and improve the family relationship at home when traditional therapy and the resources at their school just haven’t been the right fit.
Both Colin and I believe what we’ve built with Not Therapy would have worked for us had we gotten this support a year or two before we were at the point of needing treatment.
Now, we’ve seen some amazing results with Not Therapy coaching for teens and young adults who just need a few months of relatable, high-touch support to get on a path they feel empowered to follow and can avoid residential treatment.
Obviously, there are many cases when being sent to treatment is necessary. That was the case for us. Having to go to treatment isn’t something to be ashamed of, and maybe there was absolutely nothing parents could have done earlier that would have led to a different outcome. To be clear, we don’t fault anyone or their families for needing residential treatment.
For the teens and young adults we’ve worked with early enough on their journeys, they haven’t had to go to treatment! Trust us; we share our experience with them as examples of what point not to reach. The best part is that their families have been able to avoid some of the things that Colin and I held against our parents for years, such as:
Taking our choice away and sending us to a program against our will
The trauma and fear of being gooned (transported)
Spending our entire college fund and money they might not have had on programs
The unavoidable feelings of betrayal and abandonment when you’re “sent away”
Learning the skills we needed and doing therapy in our treatment bubble and having a hard time applying that to our real-world environments
Missing out on formative experiences that all our friends had, like prom. Tbh, that is such a big deal to all of us who go to treatment as teens, because it takes us a few years to understand that it honestly didn’t really matter.
Rebuilding relationships with childhood friends who were mad at us for leaving without a word
Having to relearn social skills with non-treatment friends
Missing months or years of cultural moments and feeling left behind
Interestingly, Colin and I have figured out that we can work with clients who haven’t been to treatment (yet) in the exact same way we work with clients who have left treatment. Slay.
Our coaching approach for all of the teens and young adults with whom we work is to help them identify their goals and explore/practice the habits they need to develop in the different areas of their lives.
{The Mental Health Equation}🟰
I wrote about this years ago when I was running a STEM program for teens, but I started to identify patterns in how my brain works and develop a process for figuring out what I need to do regularly for my own mental health foundation when I was in engineering school. I called this “Hayley’s Mental Health Equation” (in my head, to no one else).
I realized that the quality of my mental health solely depends on my {🚀goals + 💅habits + 💪follow through} in five different areas of my life:
Solve for: the quality/state of my mental health
Variables: the sub-categories of what I need to do & focus on to change or maintain the state of my mental health
Coefficients: how much energy I put into my specific {🚀goals + 💅habits + 💪follow through} for a given variable. These change based on the current phase of my life and the states of other variables
If I want to live a life I love (at least 75% of the time), then I need to figure out the variables (what I can do) in each of these areas that are most impactful for me personally.
Note: this isn’t mathematically correct 😭 We’d have to break this down into a system of partial differential equations to reflect how the variables change with respect to each other (humble brag) because how else would I get to use my engineering training?? Just go with me on this.
••••••••
ANYWAYS, I was so proud of myself when I broke down this system because NO ONE TELLS YOU ANY OF THIS when you’re a teen or young adult. Maybe you see some of this stuff on social media, but it’s often fed to you by influencers instead of people who can relate to you and understand you as a person.
This “mental health equation” is different for each person, and countless people, both intentionally and unintentionally, helped me figure mine out over the years. It was through trial and error, making mistakes, and leaning on people other than my parents. In hindsight, I probably would have gotten here quicker had I been more open to their suggestions. lol.
So, Colin and I figured out and documented the cheat codes to give our clients to help them solve their own mental health equations.
A personal example:
Disclaimer: at this point in writing the newsletter, I’m in too deep to stop now. Sorry bout it.
Solving my mental health equation breakdown has taken years of intentional exploration and refinement. It’s still ongoing.
I spent my twenties (and now thirties) exploring where I fit in the world, who I like to help, what problems I like to solve, what supportive friendships look like to me, what value I bring to my relationships, what deal-breakers and boundaries I set with work and relationships, and what I need to prioritize for my mental health to be at a good baseline.
Colin and I help our clients whose families are trying to avoid getting to the point of needing residential treatment by guiding them through the process of solving their mental health equation. We help them identify their goals in these areas of their lives, and we break it down to reverse engineer the “variables” they need to focus on to reach these goals.
And that’s how I’ve chosen to use my chemical engineering master’s degree lol.
Alright, well that digressed into niche advice that no one asked for. But for young people willing to put in the work necessary to solve this equation before getting to the point of treatment, we gotchu.
And now……our vibes this week🔮
📚 What we’re reading
Is ADHD really a superpower?, the cut
Where some see taboos, they see opportunity, nyt (profile on my fave gen z consumer brand founders)
🎶 What we’re listening to
💡 One last thought
THANKS FOR READING!
If you found this valuable, this is your sign✌️ to send this to parents or young people who can relate to the feelings we’re having this week so we can make sure they know they’re not alone. Sharing is caring 😎
We’re in this to collaborate and support. Please feel free to reach out to us:
If you’re a parent who has a child in treatment, we’re happy to answer any of your burning questions and share our experience in treatment and with transitioning out!
If you’re passionate about changing the narrative in the therapeutic program industry.