"I hate all my kid's friends" đ
đď¸ Before we dive inâŚ.Listen to Our very first joint interview podcast!
Shout out to parent coach extraordinaire Beth Hillman for interviewing both Colin and me for her podcast Parenting Post-Wilderness this week! We had so much fun recording this, and we appreciate you being the first to have us both on at the simultaneously. Let us know what you think!
âI hate all of my kidâs friendsâ đ
Or alternatively: âMy kid has no friends.â
My parents have been there.
After I left treatment, I had zero friends who lived in my area. It didnât matter much because I had to make an entirely new group of friends when I went to college two months later anyway. But still.
One of the biggest positives of my RTC experience was that I learned not only what a supportive, vulnerable female friendship looks like but also that having a few solid female friends to lean on is a crucial part of maintaining my mental health. So give your kids some credit - they probably know what a good friendship looks like more than you think.
Last weekend, I was in one of my best friendâs weddings. This wasnât just any best friend - she was the first true friend I made after leaving treatment.
As I wrote my maid of honor speech - hiding in the bathroom an hour before the ceremony started - I had to reflect on how we actually became best friends. I absolutely crushed the speech btw; I know you were all wondering.
NGL Iâm somewhat repurposing that speech for this newsletter, but I promise thereâs a point to it! Bear with meâŚ
âŚI first met my friend Gracie during freshman orientation at my small liberal arts college.
She was the cool girl with dreadlocks who had just spent her senior year in Spain. Everyone wanted to be around her.
I was the weird girl who had just spent her senior year in a residential treatment center for troubled teen girls. My social skills were rusty at best.
At one point during orientation, a group of 50 or 60 of us freshmen were sitting around waiting to head out on a backpacking trip. I took it upon myself to go around and shake the hand of literally Every. Single. Person. Repeating the same line of âHi Iâm Hayley Itâs nice to meet you Whatâs your name?? Hi Iâm Hayley Itâs nice to meet you Whatâs your name?? Hi Iâm Hayley Itâs nice to meet you Whatâs your name??â
We were trained to do this at my treatment center whenever prospective parents came to visit campus and meet some students 𤣠I didnât realize it wasnât a super normal thing to do in the real world.
When I got to Gracie, she said, âOMG my name is Hayley too!!â to which I reacted, âOMG thatâs amazing how do you spell it??â It went completely over my head that she was making fun of me and doing a bit đ
Gracie later told me that after I did that, she started calling me a nickname, which Iâve referenced in this newsletter before, that had something to do with what type of drugs it seemed like I had to be on to have that much energy and that little social awareness.
So when she and I both walked into our linear algebra class second semester - as the only freshman girls - neither of us thought it would be the beginning of an unexpected friendship.
Gracie had just shaved off her dreads, and she complimented my hair. Thatâs literally all it took for me to sit next to her in class every single day after that until she accepted the fact that I was going to force her to be my best friend.
While the compliment may have kicked off the friendship, I quickly realized that Gracie was the type of person I wanted to be around. She was the first friend I ever made in my life who encouraged me to be unapologetically myself.
Thatâs her superpower. She does that not just for me, but for everyone she encounters. Just by being around her, I learned how to embrace my weirdness and lean into my authentic self. Although some people might say we leaned a little too far in, given the shenanigans weâd get up to. And tbh still get up to.
I often tell the young women I work with to find a friend like Gracie. This is especially important after they leave treatment, go to college, move to a new city, or go through any type of life transition.
She helped me embrace the weird experience I just had in treatment because she didnât at all care or judge me for it. In fact, it brought us closer together because I was so open about treatment, being sober, and the roller coaster of emotions Iâd feel daily in college. And even though she wasnât sober, she always respected and celebrated my sobriety.
She also taught me to be more comfortable with confrontation and conflict, which Iâve always shied away from, often at the expense of my boundaries. Sheâs upfront and direct, which I appreciated after being in treatment where feedback essentially had to become your love language. We trust each other enough to be okay with confronting each other about things that annoy us or behaviors we see in the other person that might be unhealthy. She pushes me to be a better person, and I do the same in return.
Through this friendship, the many Iâve built in the years since, and the mistakes Iâve made along the way, I honed in on what I believe to be a fool-proof process for building strong, supportive, and healthy friendships with people who you genuinely enjoy being around. Sharing this with other young women was a huge reason I got into coaching, and itâs one of the main things Colin and I work on with our clients.
Most people overthink making friends đŻââď¸
I get it - your doctor diagnosed you with âsocial anxiety.â Iâm sorry butâŚremind me how that diagnosis is helpful for anyone??
Hereâs the secret - everyone would love to make a new friend who really gets them. At any point, on any day. Even if they donât admit that to themselves. Think about it - have you ever been genuinely upset about connecting with someone new whose company youâre enjoying? No.
Youâre walking into a situation where everyone wants the same outcome. That doesnât mean youâll click with everyone; many people have terrible social skills. Remember that, worst-case scenario, youâve made someoneâs day better by showing interest in them and being nice. The skill to build here is to not take it personally if they donât reciprocate; instead, you try it again with a new person.
When I work with young women, in particular, on how to make friends after leaving treatment, I have them follow two steps. We donât have the patience for surface-level friendships anymore, so it does require a little bit of courage to cut through all the bullshit.
The only prerequisite is being able and willing to be a good friend. Treatment usually teaches that, but at the end of the day, itâs about being kind and respecting boundaries.
If youâre ready to be a good friend, then making friends requires only two very simple things. They might not be easy, but they are crazy simple.
If youâre sitting at home complaining about being lonely, go do these things over the next week and tell me they donât work.
If you are worried about your kid being lonely or having âunhealthyâ friends, make them go with you as you try to make a new friend yourself this week. Donât make it a thing and âcoachâ them on it. Just start consistently showing them how you make friends. I literally teach my clients by example in real time how I make new friends in person using the following steps.
The only issue: you actually have to get off your ass and take action.
1ď¸âŁ Step One â write out the 3-5 qualities that you value most in a good friend
These shouldnât be that deep, and they should be easy to spot. You should be able to tell within your first one or two interactions if someone has these qualities. Think about your current best friends and what they have in common.
Here are mine:
They are driven to be better (i.e. growth mindset)
There is something I admire about them (usually that means their strengths are different than my own and I can learn from them)
They respect my boundaries and my time
I donât need to filter myself around them, and we have fun together
They are kind to other people, even if they donât like someone and even if the other person isnât present
2ď¸âŁ Step Two â spend time with them consistently.
This is where people overthink it. Everyone thinks itâs so hard to make friends when in reality, people are just really bad at spending time together.
I always tell my clients, itâs on you to initiate spending time with someone, especially the first time you hang out.
Simple tactics I use:
Invite them along to do something you already need to do. It could literally just be going to the grocery store together. Having an activity to do and a natural ending point is helpful if youâre not vibing.
Sit next to them in class, at lunch, at work, etc. Especially if you see them sitting somewhere by themselves. Just ask, âMay I join you?â or âIs anyone sitting here?â Then ask them a question about themselves (that isnât a yes or no question). I promise itâs that easy.
Do work together. You donât even have to be in the same class, at the same job, or working on a project together. The next time you have work that you need to get done, invite someone to coffee and just sit next to each other while you work. Youâd be surprised at how quickly that forms friendships. Plus you get shit done.
If theyâre good at something that you want to improve on - you could need homework help, advice on starting a business, etc. - ask them to help you! Just set a time and a place to meet. Most people love helping other people with something theyâre good at. It makes them feel good. This helped me go from an average chemical engineering student to the top of the class in less than a semester. So even if you donât become friends, at least you learn something.
I always remind the young people I work with that, if someone doesnât want to spend time with you, they wonât. And thatâs okay. You might not be a good match as friends, or they might just not be in a good spot right now. Donât take it personally. Move on to the next person.
The key is not to get discouraged.
Friendships grow naturally after you initiate hanging out a few times. Or they donât, and youâll know if itâs not a fit quickly. As long as you feel good about yourself after hanging out with the person, itâs usually worth hanging out with them again.
You might be thinking, âOkay fine Hayley I get it, but where do I find these friends?â Stay tuned for that next week đ
And nowâŚâŚour vibes this weekđŽ
đ What weâre reading
A.I. âfriendâ for public school students falls flat, nyt
Chinaâs young people are ârevenge savingâ even as Gen Zers around the world are piling up debt, cnbc
đś What weâre listening to
Tips from former troubled teens Hayley and Colin from âNot Therapyâ, Parenting Post-Wilderness with Beth Hillman
đĄ One last thought
THANKS FOR READING!
If you found this valuable, this is your signâď¸ to send this to parents or young people who can relate to the feelings weâre having this week so we can make sure they know theyâre not alone. Sharing is caring đ
Weâre in this to collaborate and support. Please feel free to reach out to us:
If youâre a parent who has a child in treatment, weâre happy to answer any of your burning questions and share our experience in treatment and with transitioning out!
If youâre passionate about changing the narrative in the therapeutic program industry.