Treatment made me forget how to talk to people.

Written By Hayley Caddes

In our last post, we covered the first pillar of support that a successful transition into young adulthood is built upon - relatable, non-clinical mentorship + accountability. This week, we’re talking about an equally important pillar of success for any young adult, but especially for those of us who spent a portion of our adolescence in treatment.

What to do when you’re over-therapatized and under-socialized.

Imagine you’re heading off to your freshman year of college. You have that excited-anxious feeling about living on your own, making new friends, wondering if people will like you, and taking college classes. Maybe (like me) you’re even considering trying on a whole new personality.

Now imagine feeling that way, but you haven’t talked to your peers for the last two years. You haven’t had regular access to a cell phone or unsupervised time on the internet. You haven’t had to grocery shop or decide what you are going to eat each day. You’ve had pretty much every second of your day scheduled and structured by someone else for the last two years.

That’s where Colin and I found ourselves right after we left treatment. Well, I had about 3 months living at home between leaving my residential treatment center and going to college. Colin had about two weeks.

Even for the most high-functioning 18-year-old, that’s a tall order to handle without any support. Once-a-week therapy is not going to cut it because, from personal experience, you’re feeling anxious 24/7, even if it’s mingled with excitement. That’s where the mentorship + accountability piece comes in.

But no matter how good a mentor you have, they can’t make friends for you. You’ve just come from a place with a built-in community 24/7; to make it through that length of treatment, you absolutely have to make close, vulnerable friendships. You might be closer to people from treatment than you’ve ever been with other friends. You definitely know more about your treatment friends and vice versa.

Leaving a program, going off to college, moving to a new place, or starting a new phase in life can be incredibly lonely to begin with. After doing intense, introspective therapeutic work for an extended period of time, these transitions feel even more isolating. Finding a community quickly is critical for success in transitional periods of life. Specifically, a community of like-minded people who have a growth mindset and are helping each other improve.

Community has been the backbone of my personal mental health journey and a central theme of my career. I was sober and active in AA from age 16-23. Like active to the point of being on the organizing committee of ICYPAA - the International Conference of Young People in AA - for years. My first company, Chill Pill, was an online peer support mental health platform for Gen Z women. It was a place where teenage and young adult women seeking help, friendship, or a place to vent and learn and improve could come and support one another. Our guiding light: we are getting better, together 🌈

My experience in AA deeply impacted how I create communities in my personal life, how I organize online communities, and even how I coach clients with Not Therapy.

Here’s how I’ve come to define a vibrant community:

  • There is togetherness - a place to come together either physically or online

  • There is a member identity - a reason to join; a common thread of shared values or interests upon which to build relationships

  • Members engage with each other - interactions between members (many-to-many) in a shared space, which solidify and deepen relationships

  • There are rituals - regular and recurring activities and shared experiences, which bond members and keep them coming back

  • All of the above leads to a sense of belonging - the glue that holds communities together and often drives members to invite others

It’s important to note that it only takes two people to have a community. It’s also easier to join an existing community than it is to build one. And depending on someone’s personality, online communities can fill the same needs as they do in person.

Here’s where therapeutic programs can help - give young people the opportunities, resources, and coaching to help them identify, join, and engage with a community outside the bubble of treatment, ideally before they leave. Even better, coach them on how to build their own community if they can’t find one.

In lieu of 12-step communities (because honestly, even if you want to be sober, it’s totally fair not to relate to AA fellowship), here are other communities Colin and I help young people join, engage in, and find a sense of belonging:

  • Fraternities and sororities

  • Club, recreation, or competitive sports teams

  • Shared-interest spaces (i.e. high school, college, or local clubs)

  • Dance classes or groups

  • Radio stations

  • Music or performing arts venues

  • Performing arts classes, clubs, or groups

  • Student government

  • Gaming Discord servers

  • Art classes

  • Animal shelters

  • Camp counselor jobs

  • Job or internships in general

  • Book clubs

  • Volunteer opportunities

Joining a community and feeling “a part of” is not as simple as just showing up to one gathering or volunteering once. Even for the extroverts among us, it will require getting out of your comfort zone.

Colin and I have found that each young person we work with has a unique approach to finding and engaging with a community to build a sense of belonging. For those of us leaving treatment, we have the extra challenge of having to re-learn how to interact with our peers in normal social situations. No one can really understand that feeling of “Oh shit I literally forgot how to have a normal conversation with people my age” unless you’ve been in treatment for an extended period of time.

And regardless of the communities young people leaving treatment become a part of, they will most likely still miss having peers who actually understand what they just went through. Colin and I have a solution to this. Stay tuned for more 😉

THANKS FOR READING!

If you found this valuable, this is your sign✌️ to send this to parents or young people who can relate to the feelings we’re having this week so we can make sure they know they’re not alone. Sharing is caring 😎

We’re in this to collaborate and support. Please feel free to reach out to us:

  • If you’re a parent who has a child in treatment, we’re happy to answer any of your burning questions and share our experience in treatment and with transitioning out!

  • If you’re passionate about changing the narrative in the therapeutic program industry.

Hayley Caddes
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